How to Obtain a Stalker: A Step By Step Walk-through
Step 1: This is by far the easiest step. Join an online social network that says “there for friends” but is really there for one night stands, short term hook ups, or other various relationships.
Step 2: Set up the online profile with the latest “good looking” photo and a short bio mentioning likes and dislikes, relationship status, what you might be there for, etc. Post a cute little status about being new to the site. Wait.
Step 3: In the next few days, many messages will appear stating how attractive you are, or wanting to hang out, or wanting to have sex, or thinking you’re the one. At first you will laugh it off, send some smart ass replies or just be plain rude to some of the incredible douche bags that find their way to your page. Keep waiting, someone genuine will finally stand out.
Step 4: Keep waiting, he hasn’t found you yet.
Step 5: ALAS! He has found you. His first message reads “hey beautiful ” and at first you think that he is just like the rest. You decide to respond anyway saying “hello there.”
Step 6: The few days of talking to this internet stranger have gone surprisingly well. Your trust wall may still be up because you don’t want to let him in too soon but whoever this person is he really knows how to make you feel like the only one he wants to talk to. You two keep talking.
Step 7: The wall is starting to crumble. Every word he says is sticking and you never want this conversation to end. You feel like you’ve really gotten to know this person, feel that he is safe. You decide that giving out your phone number is a good idea. Now you can talk whenever, not relying on either of you to be “online” to talk.
Step 8: Now that phone numbers have been exchanged you need to send a cute contact photo so he can put it to your name in his phone, but really you hope he looks at it all the time and smile.
Step 9: Wow, you’ve been talking for quite a while now. It’s been, what, a month now? Time for a Skype date. It is the only way you can really talk face to face since you live in different states. When that call comes in your heart is racing and you’re afraid that he won’t think of you the same way anymore since it is real time and you aren’t as synthetically beautiful as you are in your pictures. You answer the call anyway.
Step 10: Obviously the first call went fine. You’re still talking and getting closer, falling deeper and deeper. Feelings are growing stronger. This person is beyond perfect in every way. You’ve never met someone so great. If only they lived closer. You start planning for him to visit, and he is okay with this.
Step 11: Unfortunately there are road blocks. First attempt for the visit, failed. Second attempt, failed. Third attempt, failed. Oh wait now, he decides to go off to boot camp for four months. You will no longer talk every day; you will get a letter about twice a month. All the while, you are still both planning on meeting in person. Oh and at this point you are completely, stupidly in love.
Step 12: The four months of tears and aggravation are finally over! You are soon to be meeting for the first time, just a week left. He will stay in a hotel for the first night because, who knows, initially meeting might not go over well. After that first night he stays with you in your tiny little dorm room. There is no roommate to bother you because they moved rooms that semester. When you actually go to the airport and pick up your one true love, you are immediately in shock. This was a horrible idea. He really is exactly your height, maybe even a bit shorter. You have no idea what to say to each other and you are terrified of what these next few days will bring. But you hide those feelings away and hope something changes. For the first couple of days the feelings don’t go away. They eat at your every being. You wish this person would leave sooner but you still don’t have the guts to say anything. Unfortunately, you are also bogged down by studying and preparing for finals. This was the wrong time for him to come to see you but you didn’t know when you would have another chance. You start to push away all the thoughts in your head. You want to believe this will work. You decide to give him your body. You hope he will treat you gently because he loves you. In reality he probably thought he was doing just that but all the weight loss from his time in boot camp has left his pelvic bones sticking violently out, ramming into your own bones. This easily becomes one of the most awful experiences of your life. You just can’t get over how in love you felt before, you want that feeling back. You force those feelings of doubt so far back into your mind and you lock them up and swallow the key.
Step 13: It’s time to say goodbye. You finally think you have your emotions under control and believe this relationship can work. He leaves and you actually cry. But are you crying because he left and you’re genuinely sad, or are you crying because it’s a relief that he’s gone? Maybe it’s a little bit of both. All you know is that this relationship will continue for now, whatever it might be.
Step 14: A couple of months go by and things seem to actually be going well. You’ve found that love again that you felt before he was right in front of you. You’ve settled into a summer routine and start thinking about when you might see each other next. Hold the computer screen though! His ex messages you on Facebook stating that your lover wants to come back into the ex’s life and really misses her. You text your other half and ask what you should do. He says to ignore it. You do.
Step 15: A week passes since the ex messaged you. Things are peaceful for just a short time. Now the best friend of your one true love decides to contact you as well. “Are you two still together?” best friend asks, “because he is saying you aren’t.” You reply simply with “As far as I know. I’d really like to know what’s going on with everything lately.” You get deep into conversation with his best friend and find out things you don’t want to know. He was cheating on you during boot camp, which is a surprise to the best friend as well because one of her friends was the said girlfriend at the time. They were even dating when he came to visit you. You don’t doubt the friend just based on the reaction when you said that it was you two that were dating. You begin to cry but all of a sudden you feel nothing. This person that you had put so much time and effort into for a great relationship is just a selfish asshole looking to get some tail. You call and leave a message for him to call you. That never happens. Just a text wondering what was wrong. You explode.
Step 16: At first he will try to deny any allegations made against him. Then he will realize he isn’t getting out of this but says he wasn’t cheating on you, just the other person. You get angry and he gets frustrated. A few days will pass and he will text you saying what he did was wrong, how much he loves you, and how sorry he is. You don’t buy it at all.
Step 17: This is where the stalking begins. He will continually try to call or text you saying how he fucked up and how sorry he is. He will try to explain himself and ask for forgiveness over and over until your eyes and ears hurt. He even waits about a month to text you again and asks if he can visit! Blocking his number is the only thing you can do to get away. He had deleted you on every social site right after you knew about the cheating, funny how it was him, not you.
Step 18: A few weeks after blocking his phone number, he decides to send you a friend request on Facebook. He’s kidding right? He thinks you’ll accept after everything? You block him on that too.
Step 19: Now, it’s been about another month, things are looking up. But you have that feeling, like something is going to happen. It’s too good to be true that he hasn’t found a roundabout way to get a hold of you. But then it happens. He decides to go through your old roommate! Your old roommate texts you saying that your ex messaged her asking a favor. Apparently he has been so depressed lately and misses you so much. The favor is to ask the old roommate to tell you to call or text your pursuer. You tell the old roommate to ignore it but thank her for telling you. You were waiting for this crazy person to strike again.
Step 20: Well, this is it. You have a stalker. This last interaction makes you realize that he isn’t going to stop. He will find ways of trying to get back into your life. No matter how many times you told him to leave you alone it will not stop. If you ever react, ever take that chance and talk to him again, he’s won.